Having never been nominated for an Oscar, Scarlett Johansson, in a recent interview with Stuff That Doesn’t Matter magazine, spoke about her plans to take on more challenging roles in order to expand her body of work, and possibly appeal to The Academy.

 
When asked what role she would now predominately seek out, she said, “An ugly person. Or, maybe just someone who’s slightly less cute than the rest of the characters in the film. Hell, I’d even do a scene where I had to wear an ill-fitting sweatshirt if it meant serious consideration from The Academy.”
 
But this wouldn’t be Scarlett’s first time attempting to broaden her work. In 2006, she starred in Woody Allen’s comedy “Scoop”, where she played a journalism student investigating a murder with the help of a ghost. Looking back, she recalled, “I really thought I was a shoe-in for an Oscar nomination. I was working with an Oscar winning director, a great cast, ghosts and I even wore glasses to look bookish and disarmingly awkward, yet intelligent and approachable. Sometimes actors just need to make bold artistic choices.”
 

 
But in hindsight, it seems the glasses may not have been enough. She continued, “…but I guess there still was that whole red bathing suit scene. Damn I looked good, probably too good. I knew that would come back to haunt me!”
 

 
She went on to say that despite this, she’s not one to have regrets, and is looking forward to her future work. When asked if she would consider shaving her head for a role, or if she’d play someone handicapped, she replied, “The script would have to be really solid. Like, there’d have to be at least 7 or 8 tracking shots of my ass.”
 
 

-Jason M, Fofun News, Feb 2013

This week, in the wake of the Manti Te’o fake girlfriend scandal, local nerd Brian felt he too should finally come clean about his 15 year relationship with a “Niagara-Falls-area” girl.

 
“It’s just something you say so people don’t think you’re a loser, ya know?,” Brian explained fighting back tears, “but then the lie grows, and before you know it I had created this whole backstory about this pretty girl named Cecily, who had red hair and loved waterfalls. Hell, I even started to believe it a little. Truth be told, I’ve never even been to Niagara Falls. I’ve never even talked to a girl. Like ever.”
 
But Brian’s admission has been met with little or no reaction from his family and peers, much to Brian’s chagrin. “Yea, nobody even cares. Sure they think I’m a loser, but they thought that anyway. I guess you gotta be a jock for anyone to really give a crap. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting up with some friends. We’re going to this huge party that’s supposed to have some cute girls. I’m gonna try to get over my shyness. Hello new me!”
 
Unbeknownst to Brian, we followed him home that night and quickly learned that when he said he was “…going to a party with friends and cute girls”, what he really meant was “sitting on his couch watching anime porn with various collectible action figures.”  
 

-Jason M, Fofun News, Jan 2013

It was confirmed yesterday that the 7 people who disliked the above “Soldiers Reunited with Family” video were all riding on the same bus to Washington, DC when it veered off the road into a deep polluted lake.

Everyone on the bus, including the driver, who disliked the above video just two weeks ago, has been declared officially “missing” since the accident Wednesday. Police have put off the search, stating that “…they’ll get to it when they get to it”, unless family of the victims, or some other concerned parties, pressure them to start the search sooner. So far no one has come forward.

Investigators acknowledge the coincidental nature of all 7 strangers being on the same bus, but authorities feel it was for the best and that they probably shouldn’t question it.

People who knew the missing bus riders described them with such phrases as “unpleasant to be around” and “quite shitty” adding “forever negative, worthless, attention-starved masturbation machines” and also that “[they] served no real purpose in the grand scheme of human existence, and if anything, took away from it”.

The accident, caught on tape and uploaded to Youtube, has since gone viral and received 3,455 likes, and ZERO dislikes.

-Jason M, Fofun News, Dec 2012

People with money looking to make even more of it, announced today that they will be remaking/rebooting/retarding that thing you loved from when you were young. Remember that show/movie/band/anything that has a special place in your heart, tucked deep away, untarnished, perfect in your mind, if only in your mind? Well, that’s about to change.

 
We spoke with Paul Bergers, one of the many producers behind the project, who shed some light on what inspired them to move forward on the remake/reboot/redo/re-up. He explained, “Well, you see, it’s easier than ever to check up on the fan base of a certain show/movie/band/fleeting pop culture blip and this particular blip we’re going to remake is really hot right now! Like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hot! Like Golden Girls hot! You know, hot hot, like somewhere between Saved By The Bell hot and Back To The Future hot. So yea, it’s HOT!”
 
At this point Paul began laughing, but his laugh quickly developed into a phlegmy cigar cough for which he pulled out a fifty dollar bill to hock a loogie into. After balling the slimy fifty up and tossing it into the trash, he continued.
 
“Now this is the best part. We took advantage of the aforementioned ‘hotness’ several years ago by spreading anonymous rumors online that a remake/reboot/update/sequel/prequel/postquel was in the works, but of course that wasn’t the case. Then we casually monitored the growing buzz over the following years, amused by all the fan made trailers/posters/t-shirts/hats/theme songs/beer cozies/face tattoos that circulated, until we triple-checked the figures, and finally decided that now was the most lucrative time to put the minimal amount of effort into a sure fire hit.”
 
The release date for the yet unscouted/uncast/unwritten/unrealized/unnecessary remake/reboot/sequel/reprise/redux/retread/redundancy is set for two years from now, but only as long as people still seem to care. Will it be any good? Probably not, due to the fact that when most of the things you love came out, especially when you were young, they were relevant for the time, and therefore worked as successful, however unpolished, cultural milestones. And despite how rough or awkward the originals may have been, this only added to their charm, a charm that is certainly impossible to recreate or recapture and should be left alone. But worst case scenario, if the remake/reboot is bad, and you know it’s gonna be, sales of the original version will skyrocket making people who are not you that much richer.
 

-Jason M, Fofun News, Dec 2012

This morning representatives from some of the nation’s top art institutions of higher learning collectively conceded that “art is completely subjective”, and that “it is really quite impossible to ‘teach’ anyone to be an artist.”

This announcement came during an impromptu meeting of the CAA, the College Art Association, where representatives from Rhode Island School of Design, Savannah College of Art and Design, and Pratt Institute, among others, spoke about the moral conflicts that eventually led them to arrive at this conclusion.

Ebert Finewallier, Dean of The Academy of Art University of San Francisco, explained, “We’ve all felt this way for a long time. Art is not a science. It’s not math. In the end, there really is no right or wrong, and we can no longer justify taking people’s money over the course of four years until they, the student, realize this for themselves. To be honest, the amount of skills and technique we do teach, could be covered in a 3 day community center workshop.”

To further prove his point at the meeting about the subjective nature of art, Ebert had all those in attendance vote on whether the image pictured below was a brilliant piece of art playing with both positive and negative space, exploring areas of the mind often left untapped through a limited yet playful primary color palette, or simply a two-year-old’s frantic scribblings during a diarrhea fever.

When the votes were counted, they were split 50/50.

Thus marks the mass closing of ALL art schools everywhere. Each school will close and slowly auction off property, supplies, and “art” to raise money for tuition reimbursement to students currently enrolled. According to Mr. Finewallier, the above painting is valued at 2.3 million or “best offer”.

To all former students who will NOT be reimbursed, here’s a painting by Matisse of a violin.

-Jason M, Fofun News, Nov 2012

Matthew McConaughey, star of such movies as “Fool’s Gold” and a bunch of others with Kate Hudson, has lost 30 pounds for an upcoming role where he will play an AIDs victim. Set in the mid-80′s, the film’s crucial combination of period setting, physical transformation of lead actor and AIDs is a lock for it to be an Academy favorite.

 
This comes as concern for fans of Matthew who worry he may not be able to return to his normal weight and strength in time enough for his Oscar win.

Said one fan, “What if the movies so good they have to make a sequel?! Then he’ll have to stay at that weight! I mean he can barely walk! And do you even know how many stairs the Oscar stage has?! Like 9! I counted!”

But fans should not be worried. We spoke with Ronald D. Nebbins, coordinator of The Academy Awards, who put our fears to rest, explaining ,”We’re prepared for things like this. The Oscar statue you see the actor accept on the night of the event is not always the actual statue they will be taking home. For actors who have lost a generous amount of weight like Mr. McConaughey, we have hollow statues that are much lighter than the real ones. In fact, when we heard several months ago about the film he was making, we had this statue made up with his name already on it. Because, well, it’s a safe bet.”

He went on to say, “We’re always concerned about our nominees that go the extra mile for their art, even if they don’t end up winning. When this happens, it usually means someone else played a gay guy that year. But, we’d rather be prepared instead of tragically caught off guard the night of. For instance, when Mickey Rourke transformed his body into that of a late ’80s pro wrestler, we actually had a weighted statue made so that when he lifted it, it didn’t go flying. And here’s one we had made up for Gabourey Sidibe for her dramatic weight gain to play the character of Precious. See here? If you grab the base of the statue, it automatically dispenses a shot of insulin.”

Our sources have yet to confirm whether Kate Hudson will appear in this film as well.

-Jason M, Fofun News, Nov 2012