Fofun News: Bald man terrorizes homemakers
A recent wave of housewife hallucination and fainting spells has gripped the nation in fear. The first reported case, from early 2009, came from a woman in Bonanza, Idaho who was found locked in a linen closet screaming about a hairless man in all white standing in her kitchen.
Locals were at first skeptical of the woman’s claims, but soon after, more women came forward with shockingly similar stories.
Donna Frecklestain, 43, was found by her husband passed out in the bathtub of their Altoona, PA home. When she came to, she began screaming about a bald man repeatedly winking at her from across the room.
Over sixty other housewives from rural and suburban areas have come forward, as well as several Hispanic cleaning ladies from various metropolitan cities, all claiming to have been visited by the shiny-scalped home intruder. A few have even claimed the man stood uncomfortably close to them, sometimes even pelvis-first. It is thought that countless more victims are refusing to come forward for fear of ridicule or backlash from jealous spouses.
Even more disturbing are surfacing stories of victims being attacked by tiny stuffed bears who incessantly try to cuddle with them while they do laundry. None of these stories have yet been confirmed.
It is still unclear what exactly happened to these women. Some feel that exposure to cleaning products in unventilated areas is the cause of the women’s hallucinations. But others believe that Yohan Von Trusselman, a vicious Neo-Nazi, and obsessive germ-a-phobe, who is also currently number 14 on America’s Most Wanted List, has been traveling the country harassing these women.
Police have issued a nationwide manhunt for Yohan, pictured below. He is 6’2″, bald, and although intimidating, won’t actually touch his victims for fear of contracting the rhino-virus. He will, however, viciously berate you if he is unsatisfied with your cleaning techniques. The best way to avoid Yohan is to lock your doors or to cough aggressively without covering your mouth.
If you or anyone you know has any information as to the wherabouts of this man, please contact your local authorities.
-Jason M, Fofun News, Feb 2011