Fofun News: “Townies hate tourists, except when they are them.”
“They come down here, and they take all the parking spaces, and they crowd the beaches…I can’t stand it!”, explained GARY G, owner of Gary G’s Boardwalk Pizza Castle, now with whole wheat crust option.
Gary G is just one of hundreds of angry year-round residents living in a small shore town, that’s fed up with the annual onslaught of out-of-towners, citing a visible increase in fanny packs, nose sunscreen, dropped ‘R’s, and dropped litter (most of which is pizza boxes with the Gary G’s logo on them).
“I hate having to avoid walking into photos everywhere I go, and seeing license plates I don’t recognize. Take that sh*t someplace else, like Hilton Head South Carolina. Hell, that’s what I do. My brother has a summer place down there. It’s great!”
BRETT PINE, a 25 year old counter attendant at The Funnel Cake Emporium, says he too hates it when “shoobies” flock to his hometown. “They’re always asking for directions to weird places I’ve never heard of like The Wildlife Preserve and some place called Museum. One time this guy asked me about some historical site in my hometown. I was like, sorry dude, if it ain’t near the 711 where Kyle broke his pelvis during that skateboard video, then I don’t care. You want history? Now that was history.”
Brett paused to take an order from two attractive twenty something out-of-towners.
“Hey girls, you should come to our beach party tonight. We got jungle juice and weed. It’s gonna be fly. Bring some hot friends.”
“Can we just have our funnel cake?”
“Oh yea, here. See you guys later on.”
Brett turned back to us. “See what I mean? That usually works on the girls who actually live around here.”
MIKE, a powdered sugar refiller, chimed in, ”No it doesn’t.”
We then asked Brett how much funnel cake he sells on non-holiday weekends. “I’d say about the same amount as invisible dog leashes. So not very many.”
We spoke to the WILCOX’s, on vacation for the week from “up north”, about their experiences in town.
“We love mingling with the locals! They’re always creative with their directions and which finger they choose to point out locations on a map to us”, explained MARY WILCOX, wife of HENRY Wilcox and mother of six. “It’s also really good to know that wherever we go, there’s a human tripod nearby to take a photo of us! So convenient!”
Mary then spent the next 3 hours showing us photos of their trip, and that is 3 hours we will never get back.
-Jason M, Fofun News, August 2012
Tags: fanny packs, Fofun News, local, socks and sandals, surethingchief, tourist, townie
